This week the challenge was to write about something that scares you. Hali-Environ Conglomerate scares the hell out of me.
By Scott Mollon
“Hello! Welcome. Please take a seat.
“Thank you for being on time, despite our running late. This is a busy time of year. All of Management here at Hali-Environ Conglomerate is buried in work providing performance feedback to all three hundred thousand of our employees across all divisions. Of course, we take so much into account, including how well you are doing your job. But you know all this already, this being, what, your fifth year with us? Congratulations on the anniversary!
“Now to get down to brass tacks, and the info I am sure you can’t wait to hear.
“Your co-workers gave you glowing reviews. Each and every one of them said you are a joy to work with. You should be very proud of the relationships you have cultivated with your peers. Your manager also said equally great things about your work.
“We did notice however, that you used all your allotted vacation days last year. While that is certainly your privilege, some were left questioning your dedication to your job. Combined with your below average response times to after hours email, we will have to deduct some points from your final review score.
“Your final score, however, is still very good and we are happy to award you with a one and half percent raise effectively immediately. You’ll also be getting a hundred dollar bonus check due to our pharmacological division’s record profits this year. Congratulations!
“Now, on to rent. Rental prices in your area have been steadily increasing, raising the monthly value of your studio apartment. As Hali-Environ Conglomerate owns the apartment building you live in, we will be raising your rent by one hundred and fifty dollars a month to keep pace with our competition. Rent will be automatically deducted from your paychecks as it is now.
“You have also been riding your bike into work instead of taking the Hali-Environ shuttle provided as a convenience to all our of employees. As a result we will begin deducting a one dollar fifty eight cent a day shuttle recovery fee from your paychecks as well.
“Your Hali-Environ Platinum Card, has seen a drop in average balance. According to your last six statements you have been cutting back on meals out and other entertainment expenses. Since you are maintaining a lower than usual balance we will need to increase your interest rate on all new purchases by three percent, effective last month.
“It also appears that you have begun dating! Good for you! But you must be aware that our current CEO and three quarters of our board of directors believe that it violates their religious beliefs if money you earn while working for Hali-Environ Conglomerate is used to purchase birth control. We will be deducting from your next paycheck thirty dollars plus ten dollars interest to cover the condoms you purchased over the last three months. In the future I’d like to remind you that going to a pharmacy not owned by Hali-Environ Conglomerate and paying cash does not hide your transgression as you also need to swipe your state issued identification when purchasing contraception. The “Religious Freedom of Final Expenditure Act” gave all corporations the right to know whether the money they pay individuals would be spent on anything which violates the fundamental religious beliefs of the majority of the controlling positions of said corporation. Trying to hide these types of purchases is a felony.
“Since this was your first offense, and because we believe you chose the stores you did due to proximity to your lover’s apartment in Obispo rather than any whole hearted attempt at deception, we will let you off with a warning. This time.
“As part of your Hali-Environ Health insurance plan, your copay for prescriptions will increase by fifty dollars. This is due, of course, to the rising cost of prescription drugs.
“As part of Hali Environ’s commitment to our employees even after they retire, we will be increasing our 401k matching from the first one percent of what you choose to save, to the first one point zero one percent. Our yearly fee for managing and maintaining a Hali-Environ Safe and Secure Retirement 401K account will go up by one hundred and three dollars.
“And finally, your cable box reports that you have been watching more programming on television stations other than those owned by Hali-Environ Conglomeration. Lost advertising revenue in the amount of nineteen dollars and eighty nine cents will be deducted from your paycheck for every month you view more rival programming than our own.
“So, in summary, you had a good year here at Hali-Environ Conglomerate. Maybe not as good as some previous years, but don’t let the condom thing get you down. Obviously we can’t condone the contraception but we are happy you’ve found someone to spend your time with! Maybe watch more of our superior quality programming together more often. We believe that when someone is happy at home they will be happy at work. Our employees are our most valuable resource after all!
“Just a little bit of boilerplate before you leave…
“I’ll remind you that pursuant to your contract with Hali-Environ Conglomerate, any and all disputes with Hali-Environ Conglomerate or any holding thereof must take place solely within the purview of private arbitration with a corporately appointed arbitrator. Your acceptance of the contract of employment is an explicit waiver of any and all rights to accuse Hali-Environ Conglomerate of any wrongdoing in a court of law, and and any attempts to, would violate the Non-Disparagement clause of your contract which requires you never take any action which would reflect poorly on Hali-Environ Conglomerate or any holdings thereof, and would require reparations of up to three years of indentured employment to Hali-Environ Conglomerate or six years incarceration.
“Okay, that’s all. Thank you for meeting with us today.
“Oh, and be sure to pick up the Hali-Environ Conglomerate Voter’s Guide on the way out so you know who we encourage you to vote for in November! Remember that small SNAFU from four years ago? Let’s not have that happen again!”